Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, you big bunch of Nancy Boys.

Love, Spike

All Very Vexing

Once again, I am borrowing NH's format such that I may efficiently list ten things that are vexing me today, without the need for pesky segues.

1. The Pittsburgh area is currently expecting 3-7 inches of snow to accumulate this evening, and the local news stations are acting as though we are about to endure something apocalyptic. Need I remind you people that this is Pittsburgh, and this is winter, and this is what we DO in Pittsburgh during the winter? We're used to this! Come on! Grow a pair! Furthermore, I fully expect to encounter massive lines at the local Giant Eagle this afternoon. Frightened, shifty-eyed suburbanites will nervously clutch their milk and bread and pray they get home before the onslaught begins. I am absolutely convinced that during every snow "storm" 90% of Pittsburghers sit trembling and sheepishly eating small bits of bread at the window, rising only to get some milk to wash it down with, as they wait to die from a few wee flakes. I, for one, never buy either milk or bread. But I know that tonight, I will feel compelled to do so.

2. The leading Grammy nominees are Kanye West and Mariah Carey. Oh, music, what has happened to you? Where have you gone?

3. Speaking of music, Queen (the venerable greatest rock band of all time) is now touring with Paul Rodgers as lead singer. This is extremely vexing. I do not exaggerate when I call myself a Queen Scholar. They were my first favorite band. The first thing I did on my first trip to London at 13-years-old was find the fan club office. I hung out for half that day with Freddie's (at the time) live-in grilfriend. (Yeah, he was bi, and YES he did have a live-in grilfriend. One who was very sweet.) I love them. They are the fab four to me. I have every published piece of Queen music, as well as autographs. I own the vinyl. My great regret: I never got to see them live. You can pretend that there is a better rock singer than Freddie Mercury, but that would be a lame fantasy. So, again, here they are touring sans Freddie. Tickets go one sale for the Pittsburgh show on Saturday. I will go, to be sure, but it will be a bittersweet moment. I will finally see Brian, Roger, and John. But there will be no Freddie. When the concert is over, I will still say that I have never seen Queen live.

4. I have oodles of work that I should be doing instead of writing this treatise on minutiae.

5. My husband has the annoying habit of making me hate everything I used to like. Example: Buffy. First he made fun of me for liking it. Now, he makes me watch it so much that I'm sick of it. He did this with several Metallica and Freddie Mercury's Barcelona albums, and I was forced to ban the playing of these in my presence. Now I've had to do the same with Buffy. I have now banned Buffy in my presnce until February 1, 2006. Spike Doll, however, gets to stay. I got him a little Santa hat. Pictures are forthcoming.

6. The Office (also known as the funniest half-hour on TV right now) is still having trouble getting the ratings. Wake the hell up, people, and watch this show! I need, desperately, for it to continue for a few good seasons. I wait for it all week. Steve Carrell. Dwight Schrute the Beet Farmer. Karate moves. Todd F. Packer's mistletoe pants. What more do you need? How much must I GIVE? GOSH!!!!

7. Two words: chapped lips. And with lips like mine, that's a lot of chapping. No amount of grease, salve, ointment, or cream (eeeew to all those words) seems to avert the problem.

8. People who come into my store, pick up a delicate, exquisite piece of raku pottery and say, "Ew, this is ugly." You know what? NO POTTERY FOR YOU! Get out! Ignorant cretins. If owning this store has taught me anything, it's that there's a real good reason you can't find art in the 'burbs. Thank heaven for the enlightened souls who see beauty in that which is born of earth, formed by human hands, and baptized in fire. You know, cause then it makes a nice potpourri holder.

9. This store is opening in the same plaza as my store. Note the similar front-page pictures. While I believe it is their right to be in this business, I wish like hell it wasn't going in two doors down from me. Try to imagine the sorts of folks I will see in the lot. I really want to kick my landlord's ass for this.

10. I canot find a decent box of Chritsmas cards to save my soul. Call me wacky, but I want my cards to say "Merry Christmas." (Not "Let it Snow" or "Season's Greetings") I also want them to look pretty. I was even willing to buy the expensive Hallmarks, and so far, I've come up empty. I'd better find some tonight.

Pride and Prejudice

As requested by Kelly, I am posting, FINALLY, my own review of this movie. I'll tell you up front that I am feeling bad right from the get-go because I am going to disagree with Kelly on virtually every point. At least 75% of them. Sorry. But here it is:

When I walked into the theatre, I sat down with the full intention to watch the movie as I do the Harry Potter films: as though I'd never heard of these characters before, as though I'd never read the books. It's the only fair way. This, admittedly, is very hard to do, but I feel it is the only way to approach something like this, especially my beloved Jane Austen. So I tried. I took an open mind.

But it was difficult to contain my anger. Most of my complaints stem from the fact that the movie is impossibly short for the story. We never see the hilariuously sycophantic Mr. Collins in his full glory. The Lydia/Wickham story line is glossed over and resolved so quickly that to the uninitiated, this unfortunate alliance would appear nothing more than an inconvenience, easily rectified. In actuality, it is a major family tragedy with the potential to ruin many lives. All of the humor sucked out until it was dry as a bone. So is the social commentary, which is one of the most important aspects of any Jane Austen work. Unlike Kelly, I did not think that Darcy became likeable too soon. I thought he barely became likeable at all. This is truly sad because I thought that Matthew McFadyen was very very right for the part. I liked him a great deal, when they gave me a chance. They used Judi Dench like a bit player, and stole away all of Lady Catherine's juciest stuff. I thought Brenda Blethyn played Mrs. Bennet WAY too sane, and therefore, boring. I'm ambivalent about Donald Sutherland. I was disgusted by this casting, but then thought he was acceptable. They certainly made him look cool, but more on that later. I was really digging the guy who played Mr. Bingley and thought he was a standout. I also thought that Rosamund Pike was a reasonably good Jane Bennet. I'm certain they both would have been much better had the direction not been so self-serving.

Most emphatically, I must say that I thought that Kiera Knightley was real, real bad. I thought that she stole her whole demeanor from Jennifer Ehle and then pumped it up until it was completely unbelieveable. I felt nothing. Nothing. For me, there was barely a hint of feeling between Elizabeth and Darcy. If she wins an Oscar for this movie, I will eat glass while Jane Austen rolls in her grave. In fact, I will immediately fly to England and lay flowers of apology at the feet of Jane Austen.

Finally, the blatant emotional manipulation of the director was too much to bear. The haunting sunrise, the swelling music, the morning mist. I was sure I had been transplanted to a Harlequin or a commercial for womens' deodorant. Ever have that not-so-fresh feeling?

Now, here's the shocker: I truly recommend that everyone see this movie. Why? Because for real, the cinematography, art direction, locations, and general "look" of the movie were outstanding. No, not just outstanding, absolutely freakin' brilliant. Of all adaptations of all Jane Austen novels ever, this one is the earthiest, realest, and most gorgeous. Every scene, especially the exteriors, was a visual feast. It made me want to sit under the tree and eat an apple, and smell the moss and the dirt and even the sheep. And believe it or not, I may suffer through the script one more time just to SEE this film on the big screen one more time. A-MAZING.

And so there you have it.

Yours &c.
Kristine