Superman GBU

I have just returned from the Superman IMAX 3D experience. I am in no mood to give a well-though-out review for several reasons. It's late and I want to go and watch another movie right now, and it just doesn't warrant a full review. So here's what I'm thinking. I am going to patent a special brand of Willow Crossing Movie Review, that I will use from now on. This special new format will tell you everything you need to know regarding my visceral reactions to movies, without the annoying need to plod through my pathetic attempts at segues. I am going to call it "Willow's The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." It will be in convenient list format.

*****SPOILER WARNING*****

Willow's The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly :

Superman Returns in IMAX 3D

The Good...

• Visually stunning.
• Brandon Routh is very much the Superman you want to see, with all the gawkish Clark Kent goodness, but perhaps a little less masculine than Christopher Reeve, but also better-looking.
• It lacked Margot Kidder, who always played Lois too harsh for me.
• Nifty special effects and gimmicks a la The Matrix.
• Kevin Spacey.
• Good, old-fashioned movie fun.
• For what it's worth, the parts that were in the 3D kicked butt, even if the glasses on/glasses off routine was a bit of a distraction.
• Occasional funny moments.

The Bad...

• A plot with about as much structural integrity as the Tacoma Narrows Bridge.
• Parker Posey, who I normally ADORE, played it pretty stiff. I can't blame her for this. It must be Bryan Singer's fault. When a good actor goes bad, one has to take a look at the director. I can't help but wonder what my beloved Chris Nolan would have done with this movie. His take on Batman was so bucking frilliant. I'd love to hear some thoughts on this.
• Superman being given oxygen in the hospital? Perhaps you experts out there can clear this up for me, but why would they give Superman oxygen? Doesn't he, like, totally go out into space and stuff? For that matter, my advice would be to ax the entire Superman in the hospital part. It worked even less than the rest of the story.
• Pandering, cliched emotional moments. One wee tear in the eye of Kate Bosworth as she writes a story entitled "Why the World Needs Superman." YAWN. Or is this just my X-treme emotional repression showing? See the film, then you tell me.
• The airplane scene is almost DIRECTLY out of my recurring nightmares. Who's been in my brain?
• Really kinda gay. Yep. Gay. Lemme put it this way: I think that, if I were a gay man, I would see this movie 67.8 times in the theatre. It's hard to explain, but you'll understand once you see it. Seeing as I'm straight, and a girl, I have seen Batman Begins that many times.

The Ugly...

Perhaps it's just paranoia, but I couldn't help but wince at this line: "Does he still stand for truth, justice, and all that other stuff?" Now, I am no blind patriot, but has "The American Way" suddenly become filthy language? I think that maybe in Hollywood, it has. They didn't have any problem with "It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman." No, that bugged me. They also showed gratuitous footage of Superman saving people at the Eiffel Tower and other world locations. OK, that's fine. But it looked like it was thrown in there in a preachy sort of way. Again, I may just be paranoid, but is anything allowed to be all-American anymore? It's Superman, for cryin' out loud. OK. Done now.

Overall, I give it 3.5 out of 5 Willow Switches. (I'll have to develop a graphic for this.) And that's saying something, especially given how much I prefer Batman. Now see it and tell me what you think.

Incontrovertible & Random

FACT:
Superman may be able to kick Batman's ass, but if he did, it would only be because he was jealous of Batman's FAR superior level of cool.

FACT:
Similarly, in a fair space battle, Picard could wipe the floor with Mal Reynolds, but, as above, it would only be out of spite.

FACT:
The fact that I've considered these things puts me in the ranks of the geekiest chicks on Planet Earth. Not at the top, I suspect, but definitely in there somewhere.

FACT:
The hottest movie characters are rich men who put on fake accents and lead double lives. I give you: The aforementioned Batman, Thomas Crown, and The Count of Monte Cristo. Extra points for hotness if your motive for leading the double life is revenge.

FACT:
Jim Cantore, I will have your job, eventually. Watch your back, you hot weather dude. I, alone, will be queen of the fluttering on-air windbreaker.

FACT:
I saw a midget wearing a shirt that said, "I'm big in Japan." That is funny on so many levels that I cannot even begin to enumerate them. 1000 cool points to that guy.

FACT:
I have not eaten a "food" product from McDonald's for over 17 years. I have gone in to use the bathroom, though. I usually buy a pop, then, because I feel guilty. More often than not, it's a Sprite. Sprite has no caffeine. The fact that it is 2:30 AM as I write this is evidence of why that is so important to me. I had some tea tonight. Idiot!

FACT:
Coke tastes better than Pepsi. I make no claims regarding the "diet" versions of these beverages.

FACT:
In nocturnal, quiet moments alone, when nobody is looking, when I'm absolutely SURE noobody is looking, I will drink wine out of a box and listen to Against All Odds by Phil Collins. If there were enough wine involved, I could even get misty over that insipid, pandering schlock. Let's not even talk about Total Eclipse of the Heart.

FACT:
Jane Austen, without ever knowing it, kicked the ass of every Bronte (I apologize, but I am far too tired to place the umlaut. It is arguably frivolous anyway.) who ever took pen to paper. Oh, sure, Edward Rochester is dark, mysterious, and sexy, but he's sure no Darcy or Wentworth. I wonder why "repressed" beats out "brooding" every time. Perhaps it's because the brooders would end up being really high-maintenance, and no girl wants a guy more sensitive than she.

FACT:
Ellen DeGeneres and I share a birthday, though several years apart. I would love to have a beer with her to celebrate. As a consolation prize, I would gladly party with any of my other birthday mates: Paul Newman, Mario Lemieux, or Eddie Van Halen. Of the three, I'd choose Paul.

FACT:
Regarding my last post, so long ago, I now use iTunes exclusively, and I have even purchased an iPod. I love them both.

FACT:
The cutest Disney animal of all time is Meeko.

FACT:
In the 18th century, they had no Dixie Cups. Dispute it if you dare.

FACT:
I just got back from a week of camping. A real shower never felt so good. A camp shower just can't compare. But the noise of the 'burbs is already getting to me. Re-entry sucks.

FACT:
I have good, self-absorbed, reasons for not having blogged in so long. I have been reading all your blogs, but have remained relatively silent. For this, I apologize. I have decided that major world news items are too much for me, and politics, too aggravating and anger-inducing. I have chosen to resume my blogging in an enitirely self-serving manner and stick to what I know, and what doesn't get me all upset: Stupid Crap. You may have surmised this from the above.

FACT:
I'm now, finally, hitting the sack.