Thursday, January 12, 2006


It does my heart good to see some of our brave troops in Iraq taking time out for serious comedy. This really made me laugh. From the boys of the 1-148 Field Artillery.

Friday, January 06, 2006


Here's what I wonder: I wonder what would happen if I were hit with some magic spell (or drug) that made me be completely honest for 24 hours. Just like Jim Carey in Liar, Liar. What WOULD happen? What would I say? Would my aches and pains and subsequent EXTREME hypochondria go away? I'll bet they would. Would my husband ever speak to me again? I don't know. What if it lasted for a year? Would I be the most hated woman in Pittsbrugh or a folk hero? No idea. But I do feel certain that the following phrases would come positively BURSTING out of my mouth at some point, some to one specific person, some to several:

***WARNING - I will now revel in adult language. I'm sure that with the truth serum, I would curse up a storm.***

1. "Shut the fuck up, you ignorant blowhard. You live in a fantasy world." (replaces: "that's an intersting way of looking at it.")

2. "Holy shit. I can't believe that you think you're clever." (replaces: polite laughter)

3. "Leave the poor woman alone, you sanctimonious, smug, judgemental son of a bitch." (replaces: "Yes, she IS in a handicapped spot.")

4. "If you could shut your gigantic yapper for three seconds, you might be able to learn something." (replaces: "I don't think you quite understood my point.")

5. "Take your screaming children the hell out of this restaurant you selfish bitch. This is not your personal romper room. Grown-ups are trying to relax. And by the way, I think your children are rude, dumb, and ugly." (replaces: "Excuse me waitress, is there another table available?")

6. "You know, the only thing worse than being a sneaky, lying asshole is not being very good at it. You have clearly underestimated the depths of my intelligence." (replaces: "Sure, that's fine. Just call me when you're ready to reschedule!")

7. "Get the hell out of my way, ass. You're sucking my life away one second at a time." (replaces: "Oh, no, by all means, go ahead.")

8. "Your promises aren't worth the toilet paper they're written on. Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't know exactly who you are." (replaces: "Hey, no worries!")

9. "No more discussion, it's going to be my way. I'm right and you're nuts." (replaces: "OK, that's another approach.")

10. "Fuck you." (replaces: "Hi.")

I think the pain in my shoulder is a little less severe for having written this down. Thanks for indulging me, patient readers! This whole thing is making me think that perhaps I'm a little TOO non-confrontational and wussy. Maybe I should get SOMETHING out ONCE IN A WHILE.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


Vyvyan, I've just received this meme-o.

I have been tagged by Name Hidden.

Four jobs you've had in your life:
The weirdest ones were: Lab Technician at PPG, wherein I investigated new chemicals for paper recycling. My job was to make paper every day, all day. It was really interesting for about a week. High school Physics teacher. Meat slicer at the Shop 'n' Save Deli. Marketing Coordinator for GAI Consultants. This was the most uncomfortable job of my entire life, and I only lasted a year. If I started ranting about THIS company, I'd need a whole separate blog. This was the job that convinced me, finally, that self-employment was my only option. It is also probably responsible for at least 40% of my current misanthropy. Fighting... urge.... to.... start.... RAAAANNNNTING!

Four movies you could watch over and over:
Real Genius (How embarrassing, but I DO watch it over and over. It's light and it makes me laugh every time.) Persuasion (Captain Wentworth, take me away! Seriously. Please.) The LOTR Trilogy (Counts as one. Sue me.) To Kill a Mockingbird (Grgory Peck at his sexiest. I love him.)

Four places you've lived:
Pittsburgh, PA. Latrobe, PA. Morgantown, WV. Export, PA. I've never moved very far. But I have travelled!

Four TV shows you love to watch:
The Office (Any version. See 4th job, above). M*A*S*H (Any time, any place, any season, I love it. I think Hawkeye Pierce might be the only liberal I could ever love.) American Idol (Again, sue me.) Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Of course.)

Four places you've been on vacation:
Kill Devil Hills, NC. The British Isles (London, The West Country, Stonehenge and Dublin). The Alps (Slovenia, Austria, Germany). Las Vegas (Viva!)

Four websites you visit daily:
Many of my blogroll, Pogo (games), Merriam-Webster Online, Weather Channel (I'm a gold member. I'm geek. I'm wearing a Weather Channel hat right now.)

Four of your favorite foods:
Pasta Marinara (My own - would you believe it?). Dalawi from Aladdin's Eatery in Squirrel Hill (Vegetarian stuffed grape leaves. So tangy. So delicious.) Portobella and Tofu Fajitas from Mad Mex (Again, so tangy, so sizzly, so spicy.) Snow Crab Legs (if they are done in a steamer, by someone who knows how to handle seafood properly. But I admit it, a good crab leg lets me get out my inner cavewoman. I like to snap them and dip them and eat them. I like to grunt while I do this. I like to pound the table and make guttural noises when I'm ready for another beer. Then I go back to tofu and civility.)

Four places you'd rather be:
See vacation spots, above. Add Hawaii.

Four albums you can't live without:
Crikey, I dunno. There are so many.

Four+ to pass this meme along to:
Darrell, Wendy, Lorna