Liar
Here's what I wonder: I wonder what would happen if I were hit with some magic spell (or drug) that made me be completely honest for 24 hours. Just like Jim Carey in Liar, Liar. What WOULD happen? What would I say? Would my aches and pains and subsequent EXTREME hypochondria go away? I'll bet they would. Would my husband ever speak to me again? I don't know. What if it lasted for a year? Would I be the most hated woman in Pittsbrugh or a folk hero? No idea. But I do feel certain that the following phrases would come positively BURSTING out of my mouth at some point, some to one specific person, some to several:
***WARNING - I will now revel in adult language. I'm sure that with the truth serum, I would curse up a storm.***
1. "Shut the fuck up, you ignorant blowhard. You live in a fantasy world." (replaces: "that's an intersting way of looking at it.")
2. "Holy shit. I can't believe that you think you're clever." (replaces: polite laughter)
3. "Leave the poor woman alone, you sanctimonious, smug, judgemental son of a bitch." (replaces: "Yes, she IS in a handicapped spot.")
4. "If you could shut your gigantic yapper for three seconds, you might be able to learn something." (replaces: "I don't think you quite understood my point.")
5. "Take your screaming children the hell out of this restaurant you selfish bitch. This is not your personal romper room. Grown-ups are trying to relax. And by the way, I think your children are rude, dumb, and ugly." (replaces: "Excuse me waitress, is there another table available?")
6. "You know, the only thing worse than being a sneaky, lying asshole is not being very good at it. You have clearly underestimated the depths of my intelligence." (replaces: "Sure, that's fine. Just call me when you're ready to reschedule!")
7. "Get the hell out of my way, ass. You're sucking my life away one second at a time." (replaces: "Oh, no, by all means, go ahead.")
8. "Your promises aren't worth the toilet paper they're written on. Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't know exactly who you are." (replaces: "Hey, no worries!")
9. "No more discussion, it's going to be my way. I'm right and you're nuts." (replaces: "OK, that's another approach.")
10. "Fuck you." (replaces: "Hi.")
I think the pain in my shoulder is a little less severe for having written this down. Thanks for indulging me, patient readers! This whole thing is making me think that perhaps I'm a little TOO non-confrontational and wussy. Maybe I should get SOMETHING out ONCE IN A WHILE.
***WARNING - I will now revel in adult language. I'm sure that with the truth serum, I would curse up a storm.***
1. "Shut the fuck up, you ignorant blowhard. You live in a fantasy world." (replaces: "that's an intersting way of looking at it.")
2. "Holy shit. I can't believe that you think you're clever." (replaces: polite laughter)
3. "Leave the poor woman alone, you sanctimonious, smug, judgemental son of a bitch." (replaces: "Yes, she IS in a handicapped spot.")
4. "If you could shut your gigantic yapper for three seconds, you might be able to learn something." (replaces: "I don't think you quite understood my point.")
5. "Take your screaming children the hell out of this restaurant you selfish bitch. This is not your personal romper room. Grown-ups are trying to relax. And by the way, I think your children are rude, dumb, and ugly." (replaces: "Excuse me waitress, is there another table available?")
6. "You know, the only thing worse than being a sneaky, lying asshole is not being very good at it. You have clearly underestimated the depths of my intelligence." (replaces: "Sure, that's fine. Just call me when you're ready to reschedule!")
7. "Get the hell out of my way, ass. You're sucking my life away one second at a time." (replaces: "Oh, no, by all means, go ahead.")
8. "Your promises aren't worth the toilet paper they're written on. Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't know exactly who you are." (replaces: "Hey, no worries!")
9. "No more discussion, it's going to be my way. I'm right and you're nuts." (replaces: "OK, that's another approach.")
10. "Fuck you." (replaces: "Hi.")
I think the pain in my shoulder is a little less severe for having written this down. Thanks for indulging me, patient readers! This whole thing is making me think that perhaps I'm a little TOO non-confrontational and wussy. Maybe I should get SOMETHING out ONCE IN A WHILE.
posted by Kristine at 12:43 PM
7 Comments:
Um...whoa!
Here's a virtual bottle of spirits.
Enjoy. ;)
And for what it's worth, "I think your children are rude, dumb and ugly" cost me a new keyboard.
Thanks, Legion. I could use a drink. I've got myself all worked up. Sorry about your keyboard!
#10 was the one that did me in.
I was leaning toward Pittsburgh folk hero is you had a year long truth curse, but then again, if someone spoke all truth about me, well, I don't know how much I'd like that. The world isn't ideal, so you'd be hated. But I'm sure you'd have a hell of a time ...
You are my new fucking hero !!(replaces nice blog)
The only problem is that people will start being completely honest to you too. ;)
And everyone would consider you a folk-hero, until your honesty was directed towards them.
Here's a few more for you.
- "I never thought I'd see the day when I was served rats' assholes with a horse-piss glaze sauce." (replaces: "This tastes not too bad.")
- "You can shut the hell up now. Unlike you, I'm not a moron, so quit trying to explain this simplistic shit to me." (replaces: "Gotcha.")
- "Oh, my heart bleeds purple piss for you. Quit being such a whiney loser and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Life sucks. Deal." (replaces: "I understand.")
- "Since you obviously didn't get enough oxygen as a fetus, I'm not going to waste any more heartbeats of my life trying to convince you of something even a retarded monkey would understand. Now get out of here before you suck even more intelligence out of the room." (replaces: "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.")
The thing is, I'll take the honesty. I know my faults, and they are many and varied. I can take it. I'd just like to have the guts to dish it out once in a while.
Ouch. Is everyone who says the one actually meaning the other? I ask because people say the nice versions of those phrases to me all the damn time. Those bastards! Boy, I'll sure give a piece of my mind to the next jackass who says "Hi" to me, now that I know what he really means!
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