MCFAT!!!!

Well, Holy Crap, look who's doing a MCFAT! I often read these and think about my answers, but rarely post them. Usually, they require more emotional introspection than this Aquarian is willing to put out. Or else they have comic book stuff about which I know nothing. But this one was too juicy to pass up, so here I go. I can, in no way, be as thorough as Darrell. But I'll give it the old half-assed Willow Crossing try.

1) Friends and family often offer advice or share experiences with the best of intentions, sometimes with the opposite of the desired effect. What are some of your more memorable “you're not helping...” moments?

My mom, who is, in all other respects, an irrepraochably wonderful woman whom I adore, finds herself incapable of NOT telling me, every time I see her, that she does not like what I'm wearing or that I don't look quite right. I could be having a GREAT day: feeling good, enjoying a Starbucks, having just returned from buying an ambitious book at Barnes and Noble, when I meet my mom for lunch. I get a small wave and that "look-over." The look-over is unmistakable. It's that eye motion that tells me that she's feeling disapproval. "What?" say I, knowing the inevitable is to come.

"Nothing," says my mom in a way that is intentionally unconvincing.

"OK, come on, what?" I ask.

"I swear, it's nothing... oh well, that skirt makes you look extremely heavy. It's just not attractive. It's the way it's stretched out. "

Thanks, mom. Thanks. My day is now shot all to hell.

"Mom, please. I'm fine with it. Can we just eat?" (Of course, at this point, I'm no longer fine with it, and feel like I have to hide myself from the entire world until I put on something decent. Shit. 15 minutes ago, I LOVED this skirt! It has some sparkly beads! My top matches! Now I can't even enjoy lunch, because absolutely everyone in the restaurant is looking at me and commenting about how I shouldn't eat this or that, and "Look how fat she looks in that skirt. Is that her mom? Her mom should HELP her avoid these fashion disasters! Wow, that apple fell far from the tree!" They're all saying that. I know it! Judging me. I feel compelled to pull out the wildly scholarly book I just bought and point it out to them, Mr. Bean-style. They don't care. Why would they while I'm wearing this skirt? I don't even deserve to be here, among the good-skirt people.)

Mom adds, helpfully... "Yeah, just forget I said anything. Why do you listen to me anyway?"

"OK. Good. Now let's find a topic other that the way I look."

"Fine. But you could really use some lipstick."

****SIGH****

It's hard to keep up with a mom who does her hair and puts on complete makeup just to get the mail. And no, I'm not exaggerating even slightly.

2) You enjoy this actor's work, but many people just don't get it. Who is it?

Oh, Gary Oldman. If only you would NOTICE me. I alone understand you. I alone know that all you want is a comfy chair and some juice and cookies. You don't have to be SO intense all the time. It's OK. You don't HAVE to morph into Reverend Dimmesdale, Beethoven, Sirius Black, or Doctor Smith. With me, you can just be YOU. I get it. I'll even forgive you for naming your child Gilligan. Or Gulliver. Or whatever. Just come over. I'll make you a nice dinner and we can sit and watch The Discovery Channel and not get drunk.

3) In general, when it comes to movies, are originals better than remakes, or vice versa? Feel free to cite examples that support either or both positions.

Hmmmm.....

I'm giving only one example. Pride and Prejudice has been made OVER AND OVER again, and for me only one version holds up AT ALL, and it is the 1995 Colin Firth/Jennifer Ehle BBC version. It's the only one long enough to fully flesh out the book. It's the only one with an acceptable sort of Elizabeth Bennett. And, without doubt, it has the sexiest (only sexy) Fitzwilliam Darcy. It's also the only one with a truly funny Mr. Collins, a truly crazy Mrs. Bennet, and a truly smarmy Mr. Wickham. It leaves all others in the dust. And no amount of cinematography , no matter how fantastic, will convince me otherwise.

So, in this case, the middle child was best.

But I lied. I have another example. The Japanese Shall We Dance vs. its American remake starring The Repulsives (Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon). OK, the original was FAR superior in both form and function. In Japan, a man taking dancing lessons is truly shocking. I've seen Gere dance before. Not shocking. Also, not pleasant. I've also seen him "act" in the craptastic First Knight, which means I'll never be able to take him seriously, ever, ever, ever. Let's face it, he's no Dimitry. (swoon). And Susan Sarandon is too worldly, too indignant, and just too un-Japanese to make this thing work. One point for the original.

4) If it were scientifically possible to live on any other planet in our solar system, through the development of faster-than-light travel and genetic enhancements or protective suits, which planet would you choose to live on?

I would choose to live on Uranus, and not for its comedic value. It just seems to have such a pretty color, and it is the ruling planet of Aquarius. So presumably, I would feel at home there. I would, of course, have to stock up on L.L. Bean Cold Weather Gear, though.

5) Who would win in a war: Hobbits or Smurfs?

Hobbits, hands down. I think Smurfs are way smaller, and they are also really kinda gay.

SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: The year is 1985; who is Flora?

Not sure, but I did have a flower stuffed animal named "Floribunda." So I'll go with that.

Thanks, MCF!