Shame on You, Food!

Should a restaurant commit any of the following "Unholy Trinity of Mortal Culinary Sins," they will be banned from my "great" list until they fix it. I know that they are quaking in their tall white hats.

1. Iceberg Lettuce (also known as "garbage")
2. Lack of Vegetarian Selections (pasta primavera, whatever the hell that means, does NOT qualify. Show me a vegetable napoleon, and then we'll talk.)
3. Iced tea that is not freshly brewed. (Screw you, coffee drinkers! I'm standing up for the rights of tea-heads everywhere!)

Venial Sins which can be overcome with a good menu and good service include:

• No San Pellegrino on the menu
• Overly noisy - music or people
• Food with dumb, meaningless names like "chocolate sin" (This is one of my biggest pet peeves and will be the subject of a future rant. It's right up there with punny names for beauty salons.)
• Very few wines by the glass (Let me try before I buy!)
• A conspicuous obsession with Balsamic Vinegar (I like it too, but come on! The world does offer us other flavors!)
• Takes itself way seriously, then doesn't deliver the goods. (d'Imperios, what the fuck is "Chicken Diane"? I HATE YOU!)
• Use of the word "apps"
• "Apps" include fried cheeze stix
• "Chicken Tenders" anywhere on the menu, even the children's menu.

I will add to my list as I see fit. Of course, it goes without saying that if any restaurant, no matter how excellent, should fail the cleanliness test, it does not even qualify for judging. Unless it is a pizza dive, in which case, bring on the grunge! Woo Hoo!