How to Pick Up Chicks
Inspired by Kelly's recent post about a pervy dad, I've decided to help all you men out with an insider's guide on how to win with women. Follow my list, and you will never fail with the babes. These are the things that make me attracted to a man every time. I am helpless against them. Thank me now, guys, because most women won't tell you these things. They make you too powerful:
1. ALWAYS comment on women in the general vicinity, or on the TV. When you see a good looking chick, be sure to say something about how she is built, and try to use the phrase, "get me some of that." Make an ass-slapping motion. Women love this. If your eye is constantly roaming, it keeps us on our toes. Keeps us interested. Otherwise, we get bored with you really quickly. Knowing that you are discerning man makes us want to look better for you. When we know that you are a true connoisseur or the female form, we feel honored to be chosen by you.
2. When referring to breasts (and you should do this often) always use cute terms like "honkers", "hooters", or "ta-tas". You may also want to refer to someone's "rack." This lets us know that you are sensitive, and that you don't want to offend us by using crass, correct terminology.
3. Let's face it. Most women will not admit it, but we like REAL men. And when I say "real", I mean the kind that doesn't give into the pressures of society to be "polite" and "gentlemanly". This makes you look weak and gay. By all means, assert your masculinity by burping and farting as boisterously and unapologetically as possible. We may turn our noses up, but secretly, we are really turned on.
4. Never, ever dance. If you do it badly, you will look stupid. If you do it well, you are gay. Women HATE men who dance. If you have any self-respect, keep your ass on the barstool.
5. Name your penis, and tell everyone about it. When we hear about "Mr. Pokey" enough times, we're very intrigued and desperate to meet him. Give him a more sophisticated name if you are interested in meeting more learned women. I once totally went for a guy because I wanted to meet "Sir Richard."
6. Make fun of others ruthlessly. This shows that you have a great sense of humor, and want to keep the conversation light and moving along. However, if someone should give YOU a dose of ribbing, get very serious. No REAL man would stand for that.
7. By all means, drive a sports car. We like Camaros best. I once had a boss who called his car a "tart magnet." That REALLY made me want to sleep with him. Sadly, I never did, and I still regret never getting a chance to ride in the tart magnet. It's probably all for the best, though. Obviously, with a car like that, he was more man than I could handle.
8. When out with a group for dinner or drinks, conveniently "forget" your wallet. In fact, it's probably best if you never have any money. This lets us know that you are a ture rebel, with an adventurous, free spirit. You have no use for ridiculous societal conventions like "money" or "responsibility". We admire your freedom and want to be a part of it.
9. When relaxing at home, be sure to wear a beater, and have just a small, gerbil-size ball of chest hair peeking over the top, because, YUM.
10. If you have taken all of the other advice, by now you are in a steady relationship with a hot babe, one who is willing to support YOU. Now that you've got her, you want to keep her, at least for a little while, so keep on your toes! Be sure to introduce her to all of your friends as your "new ho" or your "next ex-wife." We love it when you're funny like that. Be a sloppy kisser, or else we won't feel that you have any real passion for us. Loudly proclaim to your friends, in mixed company, how well-satisfied you make us. Slap us on the ass in public. Scratch youself often. Self-control is for girls and wimps! And to keep us really intrigued, disappear for days at a time. Girls love mystery!
If you feel that these tips are not for you, you may be on the wrong track. A different approach may work for you. Look for my next installment, to be entitled, "How to Attract Women by Being a Whisper-Thin, Pompous, Penniless, Brooding Bohemian Artsy Type." This is a more difficult course, but for those who can pull it off, extremely effective.
Good luck on your quest!
1. ALWAYS comment on women in the general vicinity, or on the TV. When you see a good looking chick, be sure to say something about how she is built, and try to use the phrase, "get me some of that." Make an ass-slapping motion. Women love this. If your eye is constantly roaming, it keeps us on our toes. Keeps us interested. Otherwise, we get bored with you really quickly. Knowing that you are discerning man makes us want to look better for you. When we know that you are a true connoisseur or the female form, we feel honored to be chosen by you.
2. When referring to breasts (and you should do this often) always use cute terms like "honkers", "hooters", or "ta-tas". You may also want to refer to someone's "rack." This lets us know that you are sensitive, and that you don't want to offend us by using crass, correct terminology.
3. Let's face it. Most women will not admit it, but we like REAL men. And when I say "real", I mean the kind that doesn't give into the pressures of society to be "polite" and "gentlemanly". This makes you look weak and gay. By all means, assert your masculinity by burping and farting as boisterously and unapologetically as possible. We may turn our noses up, but secretly, we are really turned on.
4. Never, ever dance. If you do it badly, you will look stupid. If you do it well, you are gay. Women HATE men who dance. If you have any self-respect, keep your ass on the barstool.
5. Name your penis, and tell everyone about it. When we hear about "Mr. Pokey" enough times, we're very intrigued and desperate to meet him. Give him a more sophisticated name if you are interested in meeting more learned women. I once totally went for a guy because I wanted to meet "Sir Richard."
6. Make fun of others ruthlessly. This shows that you have a great sense of humor, and want to keep the conversation light and moving along. However, if someone should give YOU a dose of ribbing, get very serious. No REAL man would stand for that.
7. By all means, drive a sports car. We like Camaros best. I once had a boss who called his car a "tart magnet." That REALLY made me want to sleep with him. Sadly, I never did, and I still regret never getting a chance to ride in the tart magnet. It's probably all for the best, though. Obviously, with a car like that, he was more man than I could handle.
8. When out with a group for dinner or drinks, conveniently "forget" your wallet. In fact, it's probably best if you never have any money. This lets us know that you are a ture rebel, with an adventurous, free spirit. You have no use for ridiculous societal conventions like "money" or "responsibility". We admire your freedom and want to be a part of it.
9. When relaxing at home, be sure to wear a beater, and have just a small, gerbil-size ball of chest hair peeking over the top, because, YUM.
10. If you have taken all of the other advice, by now you are in a steady relationship with a hot babe, one who is willing to support YOU. Now that you've got her, you want to keep her, at least for a little while, so keep on your toes! Be sure to introduce her to all of your friends as your "new ho" or your "next ex-wife." We love it when you're funny like that. Be a sloppy kisser, or else we won't feel that you have any real passion for us. Loudly proclaim to your friends, in mixed company, how well-satisfied you make us. Slap us on the ass in public. Scratch youself often. Self-control is for girls and wimps! And to keep us really intrigued, disappear for days at a time. Girls love mystery!
If you feel that these tips are not for you, you may be on the wrong track. A different approach may work for you. Look for my next installment, to be entitled, "How to Attract Women by Being a Whisper-Thin, Pompous, Penniless, Brooding Bohemian Artsy Type." This is a more difficult course, but for those who can pull it off, extremely effective.
Good luck on your quest!
posted by Kristine at 12:11 PM
8 Comments:
Wow....have I ever been going about things wrong! Thanks for the great tips!
Women everywhere will be furious when they see you've let the secrets out, Kristine. How are they supposed to distinguish the "real catches" from the posers now? How is any female going to resist any guy implementing #9, whether this behaviour is in his actual personality or not??
Oh well, while you're out there giving the gold away, I guess we should make sure the list is complete. So here's another tip:
Wear cologne. Lots of it. When you think you've put on enough, add a few more splashes. And all the scents are basically the same. Don't bother buying that pricey, high quality stuff from Sears. Just grab the first bottle you see out of the bargain bin at Kmart.
You know, when I first read this, I was thinking "Oh ah ha ha ha ha! That Kris sure is a hoot!" Then I realized that I have never done any of those things, and I've always been under the "just friends" curse when dealing with members of the opposite gender. In college, even the town nymphomaniac considered me "just a friend". She had two criteria for sleeping with people: a) they had a penis, b) they weren't me (I realize I am better off for it, though). Anyway, I think you may have inadvertently given us the inter-gender Rosetta stone here. And while it won't help get quality women, it will help with quantity.
Thanks, chick! *hock, spit*
The key to having those tips work is to find a woman with low self-esteme and no self-respect. I've seen men build harems of those kinds of women. It is really sad.
Kristine, this post literally had Wendy and I laughing like crazy... but then I straightened up and realized that it's actually serious advice, so I've taken careful notes and I have a few questions:
In tip number two, is it ok to also use the phrases "sweater toys?"
Tip number seven... I don't own a sportscar... but if I get some of those naked woman silhouette stickers for my Geo Metro, and if I blast Nickelback from the stereo... does that work as well?
Thanks for the tips, this is priceless! :)
These tips will make guys a winner every time!
I came here via Darrell (S. Conservative).
Nice blog.
Thanks, guys, for all the great comments!
MCF: See, I told you this was priceless advice!
Kelly: I can't believe I forgot about the cheap cologne. That's a sure-fire way to get me interested!
NH: I personally know several guys who do all of this stuff and still have many babes. What I'm trying to tell you is that it WORKS! Did you think I was being sarcastic?
Dave: Well, I kinda figured that about you and Kelly. ha ha ha ha ha
Darrell: Yes, "sweater toys" is a perfectly acceptable cute term. We love that. And as for your Geo Metro with Silhoutted Babe mudflaps, well, all I can say is, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, baby.
Jamie: welcome! nice to meet you! All the babes agree, these are great tips.
Did you think I was being sarcastic?
Yes, actually I did at first, or at least tongue in cheek.
I personally know several guys who do all of this stuff and still have many babes.
So do I, and that is sad.
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